Changing of the...well seems like everything

In May I started having problems with kidney stones. Chase moved home from college for the summer and on his first day back he got to drive his mom to have a medical procedure. Welcome home Chase! In May Kohl graduated from High School, and that's when it all started......the change. Typically our family handles change relatively well. We have our moments, but for the most part change is usually for the better. As June moves in and we are all back in one house as a family and with no school we adjust to this nice change. Baseball games, hockey games, new summer jobs for the big boys...more kidney stones, another procedure, but I push through. I think I made it to every game despite the fact, well if I must be honest, I felt like hmm... well let's just say not good. July came, vacation time, should be great. Two days before vacation I have to have yet another procedure for these nasty kidney stones that won't leave me alone, should be the last procedure and I can move on to feeling myself. I wake up to hear I now have a "permanent" stint. I won't tell you what I was thinking at this moment as it's not very nice, but ok, I can deal with this change. We leave for vacation, which Kohl only got to join us for a weekend of due to his summer internship at State Farm. More change, we aren't all together for vacation. We do alright with it, don't love it, but it's good for Kohl so we handle it. August comes and we start getting ready to send two boys to college. Ugg, not going to lie, I know this is a change I am not going to like. I am still not feeling great and I have not a nice word for this stint. We receive news-great news! Bob has been offered a new job! This is a change he's been wanting for a while. Change is good. He'd been at RR Donnelley for 24 years, so this is a BIG change. He takes the job. Thank you GOD we know this was your hand at work and we praise Your glory. Bob starts his new job (in Kankakee) we move Chase back to school (he has to go earlier then Kohl as his cross country starts). This seems like a lot of change for one week, but we deal. The next week we move Kohl to school, and the little boys start school. More change, but every one's excited about their new adventures. One morning after the little boys have left for school it hits me and hits hard, I am standing in an empty house, empty except for me. I have never felt so alone (still not feeling good, so I am sure this didn't help) and the tears begin to flow, and flow, and flow. I think for me a good cry is God's way of healing me, cleansing my soul. So, I have my cry and move on, trying to convince myself change is for the better. That night at bed time, all the change hit the little boys too. They have tears which in turn of course makes me cry. We miss our big boys. Take a deep breath. Explain how all this is for the good, the better of us all. Sounded convincing enough. I go to bed and pray...God help me to except all this change. I KNOW it's all for the better, but why is it seeming so hard? I finally get to have my stint removed. I have never been so excited to have a medical procedure in all my life. I almost feel instant relief. Now September has rolled around and everyone is adjusting. I am feeling better. Bob loves his new job. Big boys settled and enjoying school. Little boys are settling in and loving their activities. I am realizing the house isn't really empty, just changing. Change is good. I am however counting the days till May when we all are home again....every change comes from God, some easy, some not so much. With God by my side I am able to face the changing days of our lives, with a good cry now and again.
Thank you God for blessing me immensely.

I wonder?

I sometimes wonder if my boys know how much I love them. I don't think they do. I don't think they can. Until they are parents I don't think they can imagine the amount of love one feels for their children. I wonder if the older two know how much I miss them, really miss them? I wonder if they realize I've never lived more then 15 minutes from my own mom?  I wonder if they realize how far away they seem? I wonder if Chase knows when he's running and we can't be there that I watch the clock and cheer like a crazy woman? I wonder if Kohl knows that I will do the same when track starts? I wonder if the little boys know how long the school day seems to me? How I can't wait to hear about their day? I wonder if they all know they are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think of as I drift to sleep? I wonder if they know how many prayers I pray for them? I wonder if they know how proud I am of them? I wonder if they know that even when they make mistakes I am proud of them? I am proud of the way they handle themselves when faced with diversity and tough times, do they know? Do they know how much the sound of their voices means to me, and the sound of their laughs? Do they know that when I get a text or phone call not only do my lips smile but so does my heart? When they hurt, are scared, sad or unsure I feel it ten fold, and wish I could take it away, do they know? Do they know that when they are happy I am too? I LOVE their hugs and LOVE when I hear I love you, do they know?  Do they know my love is endless and not able to be measured, do they understand unconditional love? They can come to me with anything, do they know that? Do they know? I wonder? I think my boys know how much I love them, I hope if there is one thing in this world they know it's how much they are loved. I wonder if they understand the depth? I wonder.....
Thank you God for blessing me immensely.