Look for the good

Twelve years ago today, I was on bed rest. Pregnant with our third child. Bored, I turned on the TV. What unfolded before my eyes was something I will never forget and I wish I never had to see. There are no words I can think of to describe what I watched for the next few hours...hours that turned to days.

I remember vividly crying and praying, praying and crying. I remember thinking (probably out loud) what are we doing bringing another child into this world that is now going to be filled with hate and war?

I remember just as vividly having a moment where I felt calm and peaceful, which I remember thinking was very odd. I think I thought maybe it was motherly instinct, trying to keep calm for the baby, I was on bed rest after all. Then I started to hear someone, something tell me to look for the good. Good? And there on TV I started to see and focus on the good not the evil, horrific devastation that was before me. I remember thinking we need to bring more children into this world and help make it a good place again. Teach the children to find the good and positive in every situation. Raise my children to be good-doers. The kind of people who help others. Maybe firemen or policemen, maybe a doctor or maybe just maybe the citizen who just simply does the right thing and helps others who can't help themselves, and most importantly not for the glory or self gratification it can have, but simply because it is the right thing to do. Could it really be that simple?

I remember going to church that night with my family. I remember thanking God for showing me the way. The way HE wants HIS children to be. That no matter how bad things seem there is good somewhere because HE is there. A kind word, a simple smile, an unspoken prayer. It didn't have anything to do with motherly instinct...it was a power much greater.

I still pray for all involved in 9/11, it changed everything and everyone. And now our three are our four. I still want them to be good-doers,  more importantly just good people. For HIM.

Thank you God for blessing me immensely.

For the love of running

It been a little over a year since I have ran. I won't bore you with the whys, it just has been. It's so easy to quit, so hard to restart. I am trying to restart...I miss it. I realized this week that I miss it for more reasons then I thought. I have never ran to win a race I run for the fun of it, the health of it, the joy of it the camaraderie and so I can write these blogs! I haven't been able to write a blog, it just wouldn't come to me. On a run this week it was like an "a-ha" moment. Then tonight I wanted to sit down a write a blog!

Carson has run with me a couple times this week, well one time with me and one time we were in the same park :) Carson was pushing me, I wanted to be able to at least see him, which meant I couldn't quit and I had to go a little quicker pace then I probably would have. As I felt a little burn in my chest and could hear myself breathing ( I hate that by the way) a bit of soreness in my legs and a blister blooming the sweat pouring, my throat drying all I could think was "this is perfect". I am so blessed and happy. God is always with me, but sometimes He has to make me sweat, burn and blister to realize how blessed. I love watching our boys do so many different things, the things He is providing. He always provides. I recently have enjoyed watching Kaden smile as he got a kiss from a dolphin, Carson as we parasailed for the first time, Chase as he plays hockey and Kohl as he laughs and brightens a room. These were the things I was thinking about tonight as we were running, then I see Carson, and I think these boys inspire me to be better, to do better, but I am very content with being in last place. The view is better from there for me. God's grace is enough, my family is enough, I have already won.
Thank you God for blessing my immensely.

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post. I have sat down and began to write several times, but nothing really seemed to come to me. We have been busy like everyone else, the holiday's, the "germs", basketball season and indoor track season, more "germs". It gets so busy that sometimes I need a reminder of what it all means. This past weekend we went to visit the big boys. It's funny how you catch some people viewing your family, to us it's just that our family, but some look at us with the age differences of our kids, and you can almost read their minds...I just smile. I smile because it's what God gave me, I also smile because I know just how lucky I am. We really miss our big boys, and I say this not to make them feel bad, but to let them know how much they are truly loved. We count the days from one visit to the next. We live for phone calls and texts, it's the little things. On our visit this past weekend God gave me the reminder I'd been needing. It's funny how He works always knowing what we need.  Chase had asked if the little boys could spend the night with him. They were beyond excited to get to stay "at college"! When we got to Dubuque we went to lunch, and then took the kids bowling. Simple pleasures. It's the last frame of the game and Kaden is winning. I know it is the fun of the game, not who wins or looses, but he's 8, it's kind of a big deal. It's Kohl's turn and if he even knocks 1 pin down he ties, more then that he wins. Kohl throws the first ball down the lane and right as it gets near the pins it goes in the gutter. He takes awhile before throwing the next ball down the lane, and this time I swear it touched a pin, but none fell and the ball went in the gutter. Kohl looked so happy to have lost, if I didn't know better I would swear he lost on purpose! Kaden looked as though he'd won the lottery! He did, the best-big-brother-ever lottery. That night Carson and Kaden spent the night with Chase which I think ranked higher then Christmas and their birthday's rolled into one. These boys reminded me, it's the simple things, the times we share, that's is what I live for, and I think they do too! Thank you God for blessing me immensely.

Reference Guide

I like Pinterest. I am on daily. I may have an addiction. However it's a healthy one. Pinterest has brought us many a new meal plan, craft idea, decorating tip, and even a little motivation. I see on there though "15 things every mom should tell her son", "20 things every boy or girl should know" and so on. It got me to thinking... there are things I'd like my boys to know that maybe I haven't thought to tell them. I don't think I can however put them in any order or limit the number to as little as 15 or 20! It may require multiple blogs, but I do want them to have something to reference now and again, you know, when I 'm not around to remind them. So boys, this is for you, the start of your very on reference guide. Remember, I can't limit the number or choose an order so...

Do what is right, NOT what is easy.

I believe in YOU.

Remember to take a minute not to ask God for anything-but thank Him for what you do have.

NEVER use the word gay in a derogatory manner, it's ignorant.

NEVER use your fists to solve ANY dispute. One wrong punch could take a life and it could be yours.

You are strong, you are brave, you are smart, you are kind, you are handsome, you amaze me, you are funny. I am ALWAYS here for you, I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what.

Home is always safe, even if no where else feels that way.

Help others.

When you are afraid, nervous, heart broken or just need me and I'm not there, HE is always. PRAY.

Boys and men can do laundry, dishes and cook.

You become like the people you spend the most time with-choose carefully.

When you feel like you are drowning in life, don't worry, your Lifeguard walks on water.

If you don't go after what you want you will never have it.

Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up.

Real girls don't look like Victoria Secret models.

You have manners, use them.

It's ok to have heroes with big muscles and uniforms-Big Poppy, Walter Payton, Michael Jordan-but know there are heroes who kicked butt because of their brains- Albert Einstein, Dr. Martin Luther King, Neil Armstrong-

You are never to old to hug/kiss your mom.

Arrogance and self pity are unacceptable-somewhere someone has it far worse and someone will always have more.

Dance like nobody is watching, it's good for your soul.

Please be honest. The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.

If it's important to you, you will find a way. If not you will find an excuse.

If you don't ask the answer will always be no.

What if you only wake up tomorrow with what you thank God for today?

Attitude is everything.

If you don't step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

You have recognizable similarities being brothers you also have undeniable uniqueness. You are you- held accountable by your brotherhood.

I love you.

Thank you God for blessing me immensely.

A nice reminder

Carson had a cross country meet this week at a park that I first, and last visited about eight years ago. This is the same park where Chase had his first ever cross county meet. It's not the park that holds significance to me or even that it's where Chase's first meet was  and now Carson. It's the park where I fell in love. In love with running. I remember Chase's first meet so vividly. Only, Chase I am so sorry, I don't remember a thing about Chase running or how he did that day. (I am sure he did great, and I was very, very proud of him!) It is the boy who finished dead last, yes, last that I remember so well. When Chase started cross country I didn't know much about the sport. Ok I knew nothing about the sport. I wasn't sure what to expect. All the other runners had finished, people were starting to leave, and I heard someone say we still have one runner on the course. I remember seeing this group of kids come around the corner, and there was this last place runner in the middle of them all. His team. They were running with him and encouraging him to finish. People started to gather again. As the boy runs along people start clapping, and shouting words of encouragement. Not just his team or people from his town, but everyone. I remember the look on his face when he saw the finish line, he was almost there. His team stops running, but keeps cheering, they let him cross the finish, and then they surround him, embracing him and his accomplishment. I don't know if eight years later this boy is still running or not. I don't know if he would even remember that day. I can't even remember where he was from. I just remember his face. His PROUD face. It's not to many times someone can come in last and have people cheer. It's not to many times someone comes in last and hears words of encouragement. This meet touched me. A sport where you compete as individuals, but also as a team. A sport where people encourage not belittle. A sport where of course you want your son/daughter and their team mates to do well, but it's common to cheer for everyone. I fell in love with running that day, because it wasn't about being THE BEST, it was about doing YOUR BEST. Whatever that is. It's about building self esteem and a whole lot of character. I've learned some over the past eight years about cross country and running, although an expert I am not. I even in the past few years have taken on a race or two. I've always said for me, it's not about the time I cross the line in, but that I cross the line. Running isn't for everyone, and that's understandable. Over the years, I have also come to learn that the people you run with become your friends, there is a whole lot of commodore, an unspoken bond. I'm glad to have revisited the park where I fell in love, a nice reminder of the positive. Chase and Carson both have meets this weekend, and I am so glad I get to share in their experiences and although they are competing on two completely different levels, the playing field is the same. Run boys run, mom's so proud of you!! Thank you God for blessing me immensely.

Changing of the...well seems like everything

In May I started having problems with kidney stones. Chase moved home from college for the summer and on his first day back he got to drive his mom to have a medical procedure. Welcome home Chase! In May Kohl graduated from High School, and that's when it all started......the change. Typically our family handles change relatively well. We have our moments, but for the most part change is usually for the better. As June moves in and we are all back in one house as a family and with no school we adjust to this nice change. Baseball games, hockey games, new summer jobs for the big boys...more kidney stones, another procedure, but I push through. I think I made it to every game despite the fact, well if I must be honest, I felt like hmm... well let's just say not good. July came, vacation time, should be great. Two days before vacation I have to have yet another procedure for these nasty kidney stones that won't leave me alone, should be the last procedure and I can move on to feeling myself. I wake up to hear I now have a "permanent" stint. I won't tell you what I was thinking at this moment as it's not very nice, but ok, I can deal with this change. We leave for vacation, which Kohl only got to join us for a weekend of due to his summer internship at State Farm. More change, we aren't all together for vacation. We do alright with it, don't love it, but it's good for Kohl so we handle it. August comes and we start getting ready to send two boys to college. Ugg, not going to lie, I know this is a change I am not going to like. I am still not feeling great and I have not a nice word for this stint. We receive news-great news! Bob has been offered a new job! This is a change he's been wanting for a while. Change is good. He'd been at RR Donnelley for 24 years, so this is a BIG change. He takes the job. Thank you GOD we know this was your hand at work and we praise Your glory. Bob starts his new job (in Kankakee) we move Chase back to school (he has to go earlier then Kohl as his cross country starts). This seems like a lot of change for one week, but we deal. The next week we move Kohl to school, and the little boys start school. More change, but every one's excited about their new adventures. One morning after the little boys have left for school it hits me and hits hard, I am standing in an empty house, empty except for me. I have never felt so alone (still not feeling good, so I am sure this didn't help) and the tears begin to flow, and flow, and flow. I think for me a good cry is God's way of healing me, cleansing my soul. So, I have my cry and move on, trying to convince myself change is for the better. That night at bed time, all the change hit the little boys too. They have tears which in turn of course makes me cry. We miss our big boys. Take a deep breath. Explain how all this is for the good, the better of us all. Sounded convincing enough. I go to bed and pray...God help me to except all this change. I KNOW it's all for the better, but why is it seeming so hard? I finally get to have my stint removed. I have never been so excited to have a medical procedure in all my life. I almost feel instant relief. Now September has rolled around and everyone is adjusting. I am feeling better. Bob loves his new job. Big boys settled and enjoying school. Little boys are settling in and loving their activities. I am realizing the house isn't really empty, just changing. Change is good. I am however counting the days till May when we all are home again....every change comes from God, some easy, some not so much. With God by my side I am able to face the changing days of our lives, with a good cry now and again.
Thank you God for blessing me immensely.

I wonder?

I sometimes wonder if my boys know how much I love them. I don't think they do. I don't think they can. Until they are parents I don't think they can imagine the amount of love one feels for their children. I wonder if the older two know how much I miss them, really miss them? I wonder if they realize I've never lived more then 15 minutes from my own mom?  I wonder if they realize how far away they seem? I wonder if Chase knows when he's running and we can't be there that I watch the clock and cheer like a crazy woman? I wonder if Kohl knows that I will do the same when track starts? I wonder if the little boys know how long the school day seems to me? How I can't wait to hear about their day? I wonder if they all know they are the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think of as I drift to sleep? I wonder if they know how many prayers I pray for them? I wonder if they know how proud I am of them? I wonder if they know that even when they make mistakes I am proud of them? I am proud of the way they handle themselves when faced with diversity and tough times, do they know? Do they know how much the sound of their voices means to me, and the sound of their laughs? Do they know that when I get a text or phone call not only do my lips smile but so does my heart? When they hurt, are scared, sad or unsure I feel it ten fold, and wish I could take it away, do they know? Do they know that when they are happy I am too? I LOVE their hugs and LOVE when I hear I love you, do they know?  Do they know my love is endless and not able to be measured, do they understand unconditional love? They can come to me with anything, do they know that? Do they know? I wonder? I think my boys know how much I love them, I hope if there is one thing in this world they know it's how much they are loved. I wonder if they understand the depth? I wonder.....
Thank you God for blessing me immensely.